fEEL it aLL . . .

Hey All--

I have to admit that I had a meltdown last night. 

It's okay, sort of. 

I'm human.

There are many layers to a meltdown, but the first line of recovery for me involves the shame I feel from having the meltdown in the first place. It's like the worst hangover feeling ever.
This self-imposed shame is an additional layer of yucky-ness from the original shi## that I felt triggered from, catapulting me into the meltdown in the first place. It's another way I punish myself. 

What I know, is that I learned that having feelings  in the first place was a source of shame, and that if I expressed them, I was punished, emotionally--DIS-missed. And then I would go missing, almost like hiding, emotionally by denying I had feelings at all. Push them down so deep into my cells, causing feelings of intense sadness, depression, hopelessness, topped off with a (LARGE)dash of anxiety.

Funny thing is, I don't need anyone else to do that to me anymore; I've learned to do that myself, thank you very much. 

Not sure why I believe that voice inside my head anymore; it's the meanest, cruelest entity I've ever known. Like a black hole heart-stabbing.

Here's how it works, I think (or can I just let go and try NOT to figure it out? . . . that's another layer, too):

I get triggered by X.

Fixate on X (don't take responsibility for my reaction).

Feel ashamed of myself.

Stuff my emotions.
Emotions get bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger.
Stuff bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger emotions.
Become anxious, sad, and emotions get bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger.

Repeat pattern, until . . .

Meltdown ensues.

Feel ashamed of meltdown (and then the cycle repeats again . . .)

Stuff my emotions.
Emotions get bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger.
Stuff bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger emotions.
Become anxious, sad, and emotions get bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger.

Repeat pattern, until . . . (maybe) . . . I (let myself) cry.

Which happened this morning. On my way to work. Let's just say it was a gusher. And do you know what I noticed?

I noticed that when there are tears in my eyes, I actually see MORE CLEARLY. And when I stuff and deny my emotions, let's just say that it's, well, much messier. I think crying may actually be good for me.

This realization reminds me of an amazing message from Michael Eisen. Check out his-story (get it? hisTORY?)! I have highlighted the stuff that totally resonates with me in his message.

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Don’t Suppress – EXPRESS!

by MICHAEL EISEN on AUGUST 4, 2012

Growing up I was taught that part of being a man was having control over my emotions. I didn’t want to be seen as someone who was “emotional,” rather as someone who was rational and logical. If I did show my emotions too much it would be considered weak and irresponsible. I would be judged by others and not given a fair chance at certain opportunities in life. I was taught to suppress instead of express.

Unfortunately, this belief system is very much present in most men in our society. I believe that women generally are more attuned to their emotions because they don’t face as much negative stigma when it comes to expressing themselves. However, as there has been more push for gender equality in our society over the past few decades, I believe that women have even begun to take on this same belief as their own, out of fear that being viewed as someone who is “emotional” may limit their opportunities to succeed.

The unfortunate reality is that we live in a society that does not value creative feelers nearly as much as the logical thinkers, and thus we are in some way forced to decide whether we want to face the judgment and ridicule that comes with expressing ourselves and feeling our emotions.

I believe that our society has it all WRONG!

It is our misconception and misunderstanding of what emotions truly are that creates the majority of the distress and dis-ease that we experience. So what are emotions anyway?

Emotions in their natural state are energy in motion. In essence they are the free flow of energy that is triggered by our response to what’s going on around us. I believe that everything in this world is made up of energy, even humans. So when our vibrating frequency comes in contact with the forces around us, there’s a reaction. I’m sure you have experienced this, even if you weren’t aware of what was happening. Have you ever noticed that when a really happy individual walks into a room, the whole space seems to light up? But when an angry or stressed-out person enters the same room, it’s as if the light has been extinguished? That’s energy!

If emotions are energy in motion, then every time we try to control this force by holding them back, we stop their natural flow and end up throwing ourselves out of balance. Every emotion has a path of movement, and in its natural form it will flow in and through our bodies with relative ease and often rather quickly. A great example of this is to observe a child. Because they have not yet been conditioned to judge or stop what they’re feeling, babies and young children will go from hysterical tears to giddy glee in a matter of seconds. With no resistance, the energy flows and the emotions are expressed and let go.

What impedes the flow is when our minds become active during this process. Because many of us are taught that expressing ourselves is bad, weak or irresponsible, we begin to judge, analyze and even try to understand what we are feeling instead of just feeling it. If we don’t have our emotions under control, we’re viewed as social outcasts. If we cry in public, it’s considered embarrassing. Even someone laughing really loudly oftentimes attracts a lot of unwanted attention.

At a young age I was taught that if I don’t keep control over my emotions that they would explode and cause pain to myself and others. The ironic thing is that over the past few years I have discovered that the process of controlling and suppressing my emotions is what ultimately caused all of the pain! It was the suppression of my emotions that led to the explosion. Because emotions are energy in motion, when we try to control or suppress them, they only get stronger. It is like we are taking our emotions and locking them away in a trunk. Every time we feel another emotion that we don’t want to feel, we put it in the trunk. Inside this trunk are all of our unwanted emotions bouncing off the walls and each other. The longer they are resisted, the stronger they persist. Eventually the trunk bursts open and out comes our suppressed emotions, often in a violent and explosive way.

If however, we decided to throw away the trunk and express our emotions, without judgment or analysis, when they first surfaced, they would flow through us a lot easier and faster – like they do in a child. We would avoid the violent explosions and the physical maladies that the suppressed emotions created in our bodies. Life certainly would become a lot easier!

I was lucky enough to realize at a young age that expressing my emotions instead of suppressing them was the key to living a happy and healthy life. I now believe that being an emotionally aware and intelligent person is no longer a weakness, but one of my greatest strengths and assets.

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So, there it is! . . pretty cool stuff, huh? I am going to practice feeling my feelings with safe people going forward.
Hope you have an amazing and blessed day!

Super hUgS!
;0) dana