Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Art of Starving . . .


Dear Readers;

I am honored to be a guest blogger today on The Daily Love. Check it out and leave a comment to let me know what you think (notice my new glammed-out photo!).

I have just started my amazing studies as a (Tony) Robbins-(Cloe) Madanes Certification Student. Click here for information about this game-changing program: RMTCenter.com. I enrolled in Strategic Intervention Coaching to learn about myself and my patterns, and with the hope I can help others, as well. 

Strategic Intervention (also known as SI) is a project dedicated to extracting the most practical and effective forms of strategic action and communication from a variety of disciplines: Ericksonian therapy, strategic family therapy, Human Needs Psychology, organizational psychology, neurolinguistics, psychology of influence, strategic studies, traditions of diplomacy and negotiation, game theory, and others. The term “Strategic Intervention” was coined by Anthony Robbins, Cloe Madanes, and Mark Peysha to describe their change work. Mark Peysha has further developed Strategic Intervention as an interdisciplinary framework and movement.

In the very first module, I was led to look at the controlling metaphors that have used to create meaning throughout my life. These metaphors show up over and over as we try to make sense of our relationships and life experiences--these are like phrases and symbols that we repeatedly come back to us.

The metaphor that spoke to me in my mind's eye is: "I'm starving." 

Looking back, I can see how this metaphor has worked to both sustain me and keep me in a position of learned helplessness  over the years.

As a child and an adolescent, I was literally and metaphorically "starving"--for love, for approval, for appreciation, and for those around me to truly see me and accept me for me. As a child, I simply wanted to be seen (and I still do).

In my youth, this manifested in my taking care of others and giving of myself in hopes that my needs for significance, love, connection, and approval would somehow be reciprocated. 

It didn't work.

As I grew, I became more and more of a chameleon to morph into what I thought others would approve of, love, and value. And because I believed I wasn't enough, I continually attempted to gauge what others wanted from me, and the pattern became painfully circular. As I worked harder and harder to get my needs met and I continued to emotionally "starve," I began to erase myself and disappear.

I was a perfect student.
I did as I was told.
I didn't argue.
I became increasingly silent and voiceless.

I pictured myself as a tiny bean hanging onto the world by a luminous, threadlike string.
And I literally began starving myself.

While I did my disappearing act, I began to cook for others--sharing my amazing culinary talents, but not partaking in the feast I myself prepared. 

Nobody noticed, and nobody knew. I'm not sure why, and I don't know if it matters why they didn't.

The point is, I was erasing myself; I was disappearing. 

I didn't want to live, truth be told. (Looking back, I know that my food addiction preserved a semblance of control that probably saved my life. Funny how that works).

What I really wanted was to be wrapped in a blanky, rocked, fed, given warm milk, and loved.

Eventually, I became so hungry that I began to repeatedly gorge myself with food, and then purge out of guilt, shame, and fear. This, too, became a toxic cycle.

I hit bottom in my twenties--more than once--and landed in treatment once for food addiction, and again a few years later for exercise addiction.

Over time, while my addiction abated and got easier to negotiate (although I continue to bargain with it on a weekly and sometimes daily basis), I still attracted people in my life who did not see, appreciate, or recognize me. And I continued to over-function, and I continued to starve, emotionally.

I'm sure, looking back, that it was because I did not see, appreciate, recognize, or love myself--and I tolerated relationships that mirrored this shadow of myself.

I hit bottom again in my mid-forties, and I was faced with a decision: save myself, or die in an unhealthy, unbalanced dynamic.


"Pain is when your life conditions don't match the model of the world. 
Suffering comes when your life conditions don't match your model of the world
and you feel powerless to change it."

~Anthony Robbins

The RMT training module has reminded me that there is a difference between pain and suffering--namely that suffering is a choice that "occurs when we you accept the limiting belief that you have no control over your life."

So how do we transform our metaphor from one of powerlessness to strength?

My new metaphor involves me lovingly preparing the most delicious feast, savoring the aromas and tasting the hints of flavor as I cook, and then sitting at a beautifully set table with a heaping plateful of my creation, and


"I am first feasting upon the abundance before me, 
and then I am sharing this feast
with others who share this table.

I am learning how to feed myself,  how to take responsibility for my self-care, and how to give from a place of overflow--first to myself and then to others.
***************************************************
The Long-Handled Spoon Story
  
Swami was having a conversation with Lord Shiva one day and said Lord, “I would like to know what heaven and hell are like.” 

Lord Shiva led the Swami to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the Swami looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the Swami’s mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. However, the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The Swami shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. Lord Shiva said, “You have seen hell.” 

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. 

The Swami said, “I don’t understand.” 

“It is simple,” said Lord Shiva, “It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.” 

Author Unknown
***************************************************
The Long-Handled Spoon story speaks to me in many ways, especially since I discovered my metaphor that "I'm starving." Just like a mother needs to give herself oxygen first before she can do the same for her child, I must learn to feed and care for myself--only then can I serve others, which is the greatest gift I can offer.

What metaphor have you lived? How can you transform your metaphor from a limiting belief to a powerful mantra? Let us know in the comments and share your experience.

Blessings.
Dana

Friday, August 9, 2013

hAppInEsS iS . . .

08.09.13.

Yesterday I wrote about Wholehearted Happiness--and today, I want to share a few things I feel grateful about:
  • tickle parties in the morning with my daughter, and morning breath wars!
  • a tender email from my brother wishing me a good day and reminding me how much he loves me and wishes the best for me.
  • the smile on my son's face when his bestie returns from vacation and calls him FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
  • my daughter making homemade lipstick with her new friend, Sidney.
  • bagels and cream cheese for lunch.
  • TARGET RUN!
  • napping with a mountain of blankies.
  • Max (my son) skateboarding with his best friend down the driveway--both of them singing their lungs out!
  • the beautiful breeze on my back deck as I write this blog.
  • my daughter and I going to get our nails done and Chloe wearing her pink nerd glasses.
  • sitting next to an old college friend chatting for 1/2 hour while getting a pedicure.
  • air conditioning.
  • Owen (my son's bestie) wearing his I LOVE BACON shirt we bought him for no reason at all, except that Max and Chloe have the same shirt and we all love BACON! (and the shirts were on clearance at TARGET).
  • money in the bank.
  • my mom wanting to take my kids to the Mayan exhibit at the science museum and go for a boat ride down the Mississippi.
What has made your heart smile today? Leave us a comment and share your experience!
Blessings!
Dana





Wednesday, August 7, 2013

For(ward) Give . . .

The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose.

~Rumi


 "Whenever you feel ‘short' or in ‘need' of something,
give what you want first and it will come back in buckets. 
That is true for money, a smile, love, friendship. 
I know it is often the last thing a person may want to do,
but it has always worked for me.
I just trust that the principle of reciprocity is true,
and I give what I want." 

~ Robert Kiyosaki, Rich Dad, Poor Dad


Dear Readers;

Lately, I have been mindful of the delicate balance between giving and receiving. All my life, I have been a giver, a lover, and a provider . . . and while I realize that this is my essence, I have been giving, loving, and providing, at times, at the expense of caring for myself.

At the same time, I have traditionally not asked for what I want, and I eventually came to a place where I wasn't even sure what I enjoyed, and what I wanted or needed in my relationships and in my self-care.

Somewhere along the way, I learned to put others before myself, and learned to depend on others needing me, approving of me, and appreciating all I do in order to feel worthy. This is a tricky and painful way to exist for many reasons, but here are just a few of the sneaky beliefs that live on the underbelly of such a model:
  • when we depend on others for self-worth and peace, we don't learn to be in touch with our inner resources--those that do not depend on outer circumstances and other people
  • we need to learn how to be okay without others liking us, approving of us, or being what we want them to be--we need to live from the inside out rather than the outside in
  • we set up expectations about how we want others to react to our giving, and if they do not meet these expectations, it can lead to resentment from both
  • others may feel manipulated by our actions, but may not be sure why they feel this way--it's confusing
  • we rob the people in our lives the opportunities to give to us, and to get in touch wth what they need, especially when we speculate what they need (note: we make up this information)
  • we rob ourselves from learning about receiving
  • our relationships become out of  balance and may not be sustainable as a result
  • we emotionally crash and burn after a while because of our own depletion
  • this cycle is repetitive, unhealthy, and ultimately, a self-fulfilling prophecy that needs to be interrupted and healed
While I do believe in "paying it forward," as Kiyosaki writes above, we must practice self-care and love, and then care and give from a place of overflow rather than sacrificing until our love tanks are on empty (for amazing perspective, read Chapman's The 5 Languages of Love). 

Somewhere along the way, I missed this crucial part of what it means to truly LOVE--to give freely with no expectations, and to accept others for who they are without projecting onto them my beliefs about what they should be.

If I truly want to be loved, seen, and heard--with all my imperfections--I wish to grant the very same to the people I love (and maybe to the people I don't really like so much, too? But that's another blog).

Namaste--
Dana

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

WaVe yOuR fReaK fLaG!

So, this is the ultimate of her not caring how other people react to her waving her freak flag! 

My daughter, Chloe, and I are great at this. We biked around Lake Harriet yesterday and she gave me the biggest compliment of my life. She said,

"Mom, you have, like, really inspired me to be happy. Like my happiness is about me. Not about what other kids think or say."

I can't think of more important words coming from my precious daughter. 

I have been learning how to be more and more authentically myself--but first, I have to know ME. And, I have to put it out there. I am a silly, irreverant woman!

When I am trying to please someone else or meet someone else's needs before my own, I am not being true to ME.

So, big hugs to me. I'm glad I have blankies galore!
Good night,
Dana


Sunday, August 4, 2013

Don'T oVeRtHinK iT.

"If I create from the heart, nearly everything works;

if from the head, almost nothing." 

- Marc Chagall


gOOd moRning aLL!

You probably already know if you follow my blog that sometimes I get very stuck up in my head. One of my bffs has told me over and over: "Don't overthink it." In other words, I should stop thinking so much and follow my gut and my heart.

Which makes me wonder why I tend to overthink so much and why I get stuck up in my brain so often. Didn't I ever really learn to trust my heart and my gut? I mean, I get that it's really never too late to learn, but jeeeesh

Some things, I suppose, take a lifetime of practice . . . and, at least I realize that I do this now. A few years ago, I was usually trapped in my head and I didn't even realize I was a prisoner of my own thoughts sometimes. I guess that's progress, huh?

Meditation really helps me calm my thoughts and focus on my breath--which can almost always bring me back to the PRESENT MOMENT,-- out of my worries about the future and yucky instant replays of my past.

Eckhart Tolle wrote an amazing book called The Power of Now that I listen to on my iPod. He basically tells us that we are not our thoughts and we are not our mind--we are so much greater. And he gives strategies for freeing ourselves of our negative beliefs and thought patterns. And what we need to do is stand beside out thoughts and observe them (without judgement), and not necessarily believe them . . . but just notice them, and then let them go. Kind of like sitting on the side of a river watching the current of the water flow by. Ahhhhhh . . . I feel calmer already! 

Here is a super juicy heart chakra meditation to try. It's only a few minutes--and the benefits are amazing!
I totally know that my most important journey these days is finding the path from my head to my heart. Maybe I will introduce them to each other and we can all have a lovely chat!

hEaRt U, yO!
Dana bo bayna

Saturday, August 3, 2013

What's in YouR hEarT?


“Anything is one of a million paths. 
Therefore, a warrior must always keep in mind that a path is only a path
 if he feels that he should not follow it,
he must not stay with it under any conditions.
His decision to keep on that path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition.
He must look at every path closely and deliberately.
There is a question that a warrior has to ask, mandatorily:
Does this path have a heart?’”

~ Carlos Castaneda from The Wheel of Time

"If I create from the heart, nearly everything works;

if from the head, almost nothing." 


- Marc Chagall

gOOd moRning aLL!

You probably already know if you follow my blog that sometimes I get very stuck up in my head. One of my besties has told me over and over: "Don't overthink it." In other words, I should stop thinking so much and listen to my heart.

Which makes me wonder why I tend to overthink so much and why I get stuck up in my brain so often. I guess I never learned to trust my heart and my gut? I mean, I get that it's really never too late to learn, but come on, already! Some things, I suppose, take a lifetime of practice . . . and, at least I realize this now. A few years ago, I was trapped in my head--I didn't even realize I was a prisoner of my own thoughts, sometimes. And, I believed thoughts were true (even though they are self-created . . . ). Now I know better, and I guess that's progress, huh?

Meditation really helps me calm my thoughts and focus on my breath--which can almost always bring me back to the PRESENT MOMENT,-- out of my worries about the future and yucky instant replays of my past.

In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle teaches us that we are not our thoughts and we are not our mind--we are so much greater! And he gives strategies for freeing ourselves of our negative beliefs and thought patterns. What we need to do is stand beside our thoughts and observe them (without judgement), and not necessarily believe them . . . but just notice them, and then let them go. Kind of like sitting on the side of a river watching the current of the water flow by. 

Ahhhhhh . . . I feel calmer already! 

Here is a super juicy heart chakra meditation to try . . . only takes a few minutes--and the benefits are amazing!
I totally know that my most important journey these days is finding the path from my head to my heart! How do you move from your head to your heart?
hEaRt U!

Dana

Friday, August 2, 2013

I LoVe YoU!


Have you ever had a gut feeling about something and then gone up into your head and argued with that feeling?

Have you ever known what's right for you and then thought or talked yourself out of it? It's all very interesting, this human brain thing.

I wonder if cavemen fought with their primal instincts, or wondered if their butts looked big, had family of origin issues, or had dreams of climbing the tribal ladder . . .

Our brains are funny that way. Our minds like to weigh the pros and cons about stuff we already know the answers to--so we make lists, spin up into our heads incessantly, and questions our first and most primal instincts about how to navigate our lives with our hearts and guts.

Much of the time, our mind/ego/brain wins--because it wants control, it wants to rule, and it wants to be right, damnit. And while we think we evolve when we buy into all the marketing and success stories about what it means to "grow up" . . . finish high school, go to college, wait to fall in love until we are "set"--whatever that means . . . 

I believe that kids know what's true and right for them--'cuz they know how to listen to their bodies and guts--and they unlearn it through the process of what we call "growing up."

kids are smart . . . and they know the truth. And so did I.

The truth is: I want to Love and Be(Love)d. That's it. Everything else is illusion.

And it starts with me. It always did. Super wide abandoned unapologizing sloppy-kiss love,

Dana

Check out this Chopra vid about LovE!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Feed Yourself with MonStER wIDe LoVe!


***********************************************************
The evolution of all spiritual life,
Dana Lynne,
includes 3 absolutes:

1. You will love.
 
2. You will be loved.
 
3. The former will eventually be 
far more important to you than the latter. 

Grasshopper,
 

The Universe
***********************************************************
GuEsS wHaT? The LoVe is in you! I used to think that the love I needed was going to come from someone outside myself (and it very often does, and that's a huge bOnUs!), but when I want to feel love, I have to remember that I have to love me first!

If something's missing in my life, it's missing 'cuz I am NOT GIVING IT TO MYSELF (. . . and, at first, that totally stinks to realize because it means that we have to STOP complaining about everybody else not giving us what we need, and figure out how to give it to ourselves . . . which is actually un-sucky, and powerful in a cool way...)

FYI: just want you to know that at first, this idea really bugged me, cuz it meant that I was in charge (and I had to stop blaming others for me!), but, at the same time, the good news is that I AM IN CHARGE . . . of ME! And, why would we want to give our sUpErPoWerS away, anyway? (so we can stay "victimized" and not take responsibility? hmmnnnn . . . sounds miserable!) 



. . . which leads me back to the fact that we are in charge of our own stories and our own hApPiNeSs. Here's a cool grownup blogger who has some ideaS:


Seems kind of weird that in order to receive love, we have to love, but it has to start with us loving ourselves before we can love others. What's important is that we love ourselves, and then we love others with no expectations.We just love because it feels good . . . and right . . . and true. For me, I know that I am loving, and to keep myself from being loving or restrict myself from being loving feels very difficult, really tough . . . and well, NOT ME.

Love is always bestowed as a gift –
freely, willingly and without expectation.
We don’t love to be loved;
we love to love.

~Leo Buscaglia

ALL is WELL! ALL is LoVe . . .

;) dana