everYthIng iS oN pUrPosE . . .

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beware...the content of this blog may apply to gRowN uPs ;)

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One thing I have said to my own kids and my students, too, is that: 

everything happens for a reason. 

We may not always know the lessons in the stuff that happens to us, and that's because we sometimes get so caught up and attached to what WE WANT TO HAPPEN! 

In other words, WE WANT CONTROL, RIGHT????

FLASHBACK to my chubby, freckly, middle-school self: 

I can remember trying to get other kids to like me or be nice to me. That sounds so weird to me as I write it down as a grown up (although I must admit I still catch myself doing it!!!! YIKES! Please don't tell anyone!)

STORY:

In 6th grade, I remember "liking" a boy named Kenny (last name to remain anonymous... shout out to Kenny if you're reading my blog!), and I wanted him to "go" with me (whatever that means in middle school...). I gave him, like, over 20 packs of gum, wrote notes to him, took ridiculous detours through my school so I would see him between classes, and lots of other cRaZy stuff.
...what we do for love... ;)

GUESS WHAT?... Kenny never "liked" me back :(  sad face  and, of course, in my mind I made up that it was because I was chubby and freckly (he never told me that, though--he barely talked to me at all)!   DANG!@@#^%&% . . . that was a lot of gum . . .

ANOTHER STORY:

I know you can all relate---like, for example, thinking:

If I keep kissing butt to the kids who (I think) don't like me . . .

• maybe they'll stop treating me like crap
• maybe they'll quit taking my stuff or copying off my homework
• or even stop hating me on Facebook
• or at the very least maybe they will LEAVE ME THE HE(LL)CK ALONE! 
• (I can remember actually praying about this one as a kid...)

When I was really in a fantasy land, the stuff I made up in my head was even more wishful--like, for example, thinking:

• maybe they'll invite me to their lunch table (that's a huge one!!!!)
• maybe I'll get to go to one of their sleepovers
• maybe we could go to sUmMeR CaMp together!

You get the picture, right? 
Trying to manage what other people think or feel about us is living from the OUT:SIDE IN. Living from the OUT:SIDE IN is, quite frankly, a butt load of work. But here's the good news:

You can relax... (actually, take a deep breath now! I am controlling you! LOL!)

Living from the IN:SIDE OUT, not the OUT:SIDE IN, is much easier! And, (top secret information) even some of GrOwN uPs don't know this...but you can share it with them, if you think they are ready...

What I know now, is that I can't get other people to like me, be nice to me, or anything else! My job is to be myself (who, BTW, is very likable!), like myself,  and surround myself with others who like me for me. I don't actually have to DO anything; just Be myself. Whew!

I wish I would have known this stuff earlier...(which is one awesome reason I started this blog, really).

Actually, knowing now that this stuff is just plain out of my control is such a relief! 

And guess what? I get to relax, enjoy myself, and just be the best person/mom/teacher/friend/partner I can be... and I think I actually do a better job of all those things when I am not freaking out trying to control things on the OUT:SIDE all the time!!!!!

Enough, already!

“If you let go a little you will have a little peace; 

if you let go a lot you will have a lot of peace; 

if you let go completely you will have complete peace.” 

~Ajahn Chah

Lately, I have been reminded of the power of letting go. Of control, of relationships, and of expectations. I have also been reminded that in general, people don't change. The question is, why do I keep engaging with someone if they repeatedly silence me and treat me with disrespect and disdain? I mean, sometimes these icky people are hard to avoid--for example, in our workplaces--in which case I try to keep an arms length.

We can choose to detach, emotionally, from these toxic individuals, and that's not as easy for me as I would like. I sometimes race up in my head (most often in the middle of the night!) to wake up and wonder, "What the hell happened?" And then the emotional hangover ensues.

Have you ever noticed that the same lessons keep showing up in life and we are like, "Why does this keep happening to me?" It's because we keep putting ourselves in the same situation, expecting different results. It's also called INSANITY. 

I truly believe the repeating pattern is the Universe trying to get our attention . . . because  we need to do something different.

Luckily, we can decide to NEVER PUT OURSELVES in the position where the same thing can happen to us again. Each of us gets to decide who we want to let into our inner circle; we can intentionally surround ourselves with people who recognize us, who hear us, and who lift us up.

Somewhere along the line, I learned the importance of being nice, of second chances, and of tolerance--all of which serve a purpose, to an extent. And being a spiritual person, I often try to rise above it all.

But there comes a time when enough is enough. 

Peace IV . . .

Dear Ones,

How do you get your place of inner peace? After all, we each have it within us if only we get quiet enough so we can hear its gentle whisper.

Last week when I was reading from an Eckhart Tolle interview on Oprah.com, Tolle described some common barriers we humans experience that prevent us from being at peace:

• We mistake peace for unconsciousness.
• We mistake peace for happiness.
• We keep looking ahead (or looking back).
• We strain away from the present moment.
• We don't fully trust . . . yet.

I have written about the first four in the past few days. The first, we mistake peace for unconsciousness, reminds me of my behaviors and patterns that have kept peace at bay throughout my life; the second, we mistake peace for happiness, reminds me that peace is always available regardless of my emotional state; as a matter of fact, it is when I have had great emotional challenges or crises when I have gone deep within myself to find the most comforting  kind of peace: the peace that passeth all understanding. The third and fourth bullets help me remember that peace can only be found in the present moment.

As for the last bullet--we don't fully trust . . . yet--I interpret that to mean a couple different things. One, we don't trust that the Universe has our best interests in mind to help us learn the lessons that are for our highest good; another way of saying it is that we don't trust the pain or the challenges as part of the larger landscape of our plan--we only trust when things feel comfortable or happy. The result of this is that we try to control outcomes, people, circumstances, timing, emotions, money, etc. This control is what messes with our minds the mos and can lead us into a super tailspin.

Truth be told, we cannot control anything but ourselves. When we finally can begin to trust, we can let go and let God--one of the tenets of the 12-step program. This total surrender is one key to living a peaceful life, and the Serenity Prayer can offer us a tool for letting go.

When we can begin to discern what things we can control and what is beyond our control, we can focus back on ourselves, our own growth, and our own inner peace. We no longer need to look to outside of ourselves for peace, but need only look within, back to our birthright: peace.

Lots of Love,

Dana

bEiNG (im)PerfeCkt is the nEw PerfeCkT!!

Well hELLo there!

I was thinking more today about what it means to be perfect and why I used to try to be perfect, and what I landed on is that I thought that if I did everything perfectly, people would approve of me, or like me (have you every been around someone who acts like they are perfect?  . . . I actually find people who act perfect quite annoying and humorous . . . and I used to be THAT girl . . . ;0( yikes, kinda funny! . . . ).

So being perfect was a way for me to feel in control (even though it was all made up in my head . . . cuz some people still didn't like me no matter if I was perfect or not . . . and guess what? we can't control other people and the way they feel about us!)

Perfection comes in many disguises, like, for example:

• being the perfect student (you know, like as in, straight A's)
• being the perfect son/daughter (like you can't mess up)
• being the perfect athlete/singer/actress/_______fill in blank (no fouls, strikes, warnings,wrong notes or lines etc.)
• having a perfect body (eating disorder warning . . . been there, done that!)
• looking perfect
• kissing butt to people so they like you (even though the things you say aren't true...)
• making others dependent on you . . .
• and it goes on and on . . .

Being perfect is SOSOSOSOSOS stressful . . . and WE DO IT TO OURSELVES. Nobody else does it TO us (and if you feel someone expects perfection from you, you might want to have a conversation about that with them and ask them if it's true . . .).

Anyway, so that leaves us with being (im)PerFeCKT! Hmnnnn...

It's actually kind of a relief . . . takes the pressure off, and then we can just breathe, be hu(wo)man, and love ourselves even MORE. More on loving ourselves later . . .

Here's an awesome song by PiNk! to remind you that (im)PerfeCkT is the new PerfeCKt!

Have an amazingly PerFecKT day!

Smiles! and 0000 hugs and ))))) mustaches! 

;) dana

Live IN:SIDE OUT not OUT:SIDE IN

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beware...the content of this blog may apply to gRowN uPs ;)

****************************************************

One thing I have said to my own kids and my students, too, is that: 

everything happens for a reason. 

We may not always know the lessons in the stuff that happens to us, and that's because we sometimes get so caught up and attached to what WE WANT TO HAPPEN! 

In other words, WE WANT CONTROL, RIGHT????

FLASHBACK to my chubby, freckly, middle-school self: 

I can remember trying to get other kids to like me or be nice to me. That sounds so weird to me as I write it down as a grown up (although I must admit I still catch myself doing it!!!! YIKES! Please don't tell anyone!)

STORY:

In 6th grade, I remember "liking" a boy named Kenny (last name to remain anonymous... shout out to Kenny if you're reading my blog!), and I wanted him to "go" with me (whatever that means in middle school...). I gave him, like, over 20 packs of gum, wrote notes to him, took ridiculous detours through my school so I would see him between classes, and lots of other cRaZy stuff.
...what we do for love... ;)

GUESS WHAT?...Kenny never "liked" me back :(  sad face  and, of course, in my mind I made up that it was because I was chubby and freckly (he never told me that, though--he barely talked to me at all)!  

DANG!@@#^%&% ...that was a lot of gum...

ANOTHER STORY:

I know you can all relate---like, for example, thinking:

If I keep kissing butt to the kids who (I think) don't like me . . .

• maybe they'll stop treating me like crap
• maybe they'll quit taking my stuff or copying off my homework
• or even stop hating me on Facebook
• or at the very least maybe they will LEAVE ME THE HE(LL)CK ALONE! (I can remember actually praying about this one as a kid...)

When I was really in a fantasy land, the stuff I made up in my head was even more wishful--like, for example, thinking:

• maybe they'll invite me to their lunch table (that's a huge one!!!!)
• maybe I'll get to go to one of their sleepovers
• maybe we could go to sUmMeR CaMp together!

You get the picture, right? 
Trying to manage what other people think or feel about us is living from the OUT:SIDE IN. Living from the OUT:SIDE IN is, quite frankly, a butt load of work. But here's the good news:

You can relax... (actually, take a deep breath now! I am controlling you! LOL!)

Living from the IN:SIDE OUT, not the OUT:SIDE IN, is much easier! And, (top secret information) even some of GrOwN uPs don't know this...but you can share it with them, if you think they are ready...

What I know now, is that I can't get other people to like me, be nice to me, or anything else! My job is to be myself (who, BTW, is very likable!), like myself,  and surround myself with others who like me for me. I don't actually have to DO anything; just Be myself. Whew!

I wish I would have known this stuff earlier...(which is one awesome reason I started this blog, really).

Actually, knowing now that this stuff is just plain out of my control is such a relief! 

And guess what? I get to relax, enjoy myself, and just be the best person/mom/teacher/friend I can be... and I think I actually do a better job of all those things when I am not freaking out trying to control things on the OUT:SIDE all the time!!!!!

Hope you are all enjoying this blog! I am LoViNg writing it!
Let me know what your thoughts and feelings are!

Love and Light,
DaNa

We are perfect . . .

"Perfect: 2" 2011, acrylic on canvas, 8" x 10"
David Culver, amazing artist

I think we all struggle with trying to be "perfect" from time to time; but isn't it true that some of us actually make it a full time job?

(...I feel sTreSs coming on just writing that!).

Do you feel like you have to be

perfect?
Do you expect others to be
perfect?

What does that mean, anyway?

I see kids in my classes every day who have a tough time being anything less than perfect. This looks different depending on the kid:

• Some kids are so stressed about being "perfect" that they show me their work over and over, asking, "Is this okay?" (and repeating the same question over and over throughout my English class). Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it?
• Other kids are so scared they won't get an "A" that they get stuck, like, on a writing assignment, before they even begin...these kiddos sometimes sit in my class and are kind of paralyzed from the beginning. Painful, huh?
• Another way this shows up is with kids who pretend they don't care, or say the assignment is stupid, so they make excuses about why they won't even try the assignment. They would actually rather not even try than maybe not do it perfectly. This is a really tough one!

My heart goes out to all these kids. I GeT iT, because I did that stuff when I was in school, too (but not the third one, because I tried to be so "perfect"that I would have never disobeyed a teacher or turned in a late assignment). 

What's the deal, anyway?#!

Where do we get the idea that we need to do everything perfectly? Like, have perfect bodies, look perfect, act perfect, feel perfect (in other words, not ever have negative feelings)? I don't get it.

(insert deep belly breath, here . . .)

Trying to be perfect is pointless because we can never get there! It doesn't exist because we are human and we screw up! (surprise!...Note: Your parents are human, too, so don't expect them to be perfect. either. Thanks!)

Anyway, I know now that to be human is to be imPERFECT... and THAT is PERFECT! (and it takes the pressure off, too.!). That means accepting things just the way they are, even if they're not perfect.

I've noticed that when I resist what IS, I create HUGE StReSs for myself. Honestly, I create this stress by how I think about it--which means, I do it to myself (kind of like the inner mean voice, remember?). Yikes, that means I'm responsible and I'm the one who has the power to change . . . change how I think about this stuff! (oh, that's kind of a relief, actually). . .

Here's how: for example, if I am waiting in a long line:

• I can sit there and get mad and start making up stories, criticizing what is going on and complain about the situation. And guess what? If I look for crappy stuff about the situation, I just see more and more evidence to back my made up stories or thoughts and that will make me miserable! As Eckhart Tolle writes, “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.” ―  A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose

• Good thing I have a choice! I would rather stand in line and look around, smile at others, make conversation with people around me, plan an adventure, and enjoy myself! I get to pick my own reaction! Whew!

Whatever is in front of me, whatever happens, is, indeed: perfect (even if it's not). I read an awesome blog by an amazingly inspirational guy named Kute Jackson "Trying to be perfect is a waste of time" (click on the title if you want to check it out--it's a little more of a grown up read).

I'm so glad I'm finally getting that perfection doesn't exist...that helps me breathe better. And it allows me to be more accepting of others (for not being perfect) and myself (for not being perfect), too.

When I focus on growing from situation (instead of doing everything perfectly), I can live a happier life! Being PERFECTly imPERFECT!
Yay!

Lots of LoVe!

Dana

The Journey of Relation-SHIP . . .

The journey is the reward.
-Chinese Proverb

WeLL hELLo all fUn & fRee feLLow tRaVeLers--

As you know, I have been writing a lot lately about the delicate dance of relation-SHIP, and by relation-SHIP, I literally mean SHIP--like, as in relation-SHIPs are journeys, not destinations. 

Sometimes, travel is smooth and beautiful, and the water is crystal clear and the skies are baby blue. Whew!

Other times, waters are murky and tumultuous & filled with predators, and the sky is pitch black, rainy and thunderous--Scary!

Most of us have a destination in mind when we go on a journey, and this is often true of a relation-SHIP, as well. We have an idea of where we want it to go, and so often, we have OUR PLAN (destination) in mind . . . and we forget to really see and appreciate the person in front of us and we don't live authentically in our own skin.

This is also true when we meet someone and assume they have nothing to offer us. We never see the gifts they potentially could offer us in our life 'cuz we think we have it figured out before we even allow the relation-SHIP to develop.

I don't know about you, but some of the coolest journeys I have taken are just getting in the car and starting to drive--without knowing where I am going . . . OR (even better) . . . having a set destination and then getting lost or going on a detour and ending up somewhere even more amazing than I had ever imagined . . . (I'm sure you know where I'm secretly going with this by now!).

CONSIDER THIS: 
Relation-SHIPS are journeys, not destinations, and if we open ourselves to fully experiencing another person, while being authentic at the same time, the possibilities are endless! Hello!

For those of us who have ever chased a relationship, this notion can be a huge relief. Personally, I'd rather be my imperfect, crazy, awkward self--with someone who appreciates me for all of it--than try to be perfect with someone who constantly corrects me, criticizes me, and wants me to be different than who I am. Bye-bye!

When we open ourselves up authentically to others, we may be surprised where the journey, the relation-SHIP carries us. Where has an unexpected relation-SHIP taken you?

Leave me a comment and let me know!
All Aboard!
Love, 
Captain Dana

gOt dRaMa?

hEllo tHerE!

Let's just say that today has been, well . . . CHALLENGING! 

I thought I had the day totally planned out, but just when I think everything is UnDeR cOnTroL . . . life happens . . . and things change. 

And, I'm not even going to give the drama of my day energy by sharing all the details . . . cuz' I'm gonna DrOp DrAmA!

Actually, change is the only thing we can really count on, I suppose. So today I had to get really creative, and flexible with   LiFe!  

I could have gone into suPer frEak out mode . . . and I almost did in front of my son, Max. I turned to him and sighed this morning, frustrated. 

And he asked, "Mom, are you okay?"

I (dramatically) announced, "I think I might need to cry."

And then, magically, Max said, "Breathe, Mom." (gee, where has he heard that before? LoL!)

So, I took a deep breath, and said, "You know, I'm not going to cry. . . too dramatic. I'm just going to breathe, and go with it."

Whew. . . I'm okay.

So, today has been challenging, and I have been very creative, patient, and strong. I made a choice to go with the flow, and you know what?

Everything is just fine. 

I'm glad I am learning how to actively choose my reactions to the world around me. At least for today.

Dana

fEEL it aLL . . .

Hey All--

I have to admit that I had a meltdown last night. 

It's okay, sort of. 

I'm human.

There are many layers to a meltdown, but the first line of recovery for me involves the shame I feel from having the meltdown in the first place. It's like the worst hangover feeling ever.
This self-imposed shame is an additional layer of yucky-ness from the original shi## that I felt triggered from, catapulting me into the meltdown in the first place. It's another way I punish myself. 

What I know, is that I learned that having feelings  in the first place was a source of shame, and that if I expressed them, I was punished, emotionally--DIS-missed. And then I would go missing, almost like hiding, emotionally by denying I had feelings at all. Push them down so deep into my cells, causing feelings of intense sadness, depression, hopelessness, topped off with a (LARGE)dash of anxiety.

Funny thing is, I don't need anyone else to do that to me anymore; I've learned to do that myself, thank you very much. 

Not sure why I believe that voice inside my head anymore; it's the meanest, cruelest entity I've ever known. Like a black hole heart-stabbing.

Here's how it works, I think (or can I just let go and try NOT to figure it out? . . . that's another layer, too):

I get triggered by X.

Fixate on X (don't take responsibility for my reaction).

Feel ashamed of myself.

Stuff my emotions.
Emotions get bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger.
Stuff bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger emotions.
Become anxious, sad, and emotions get bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger.

Repeat pattern, until . . .

Meltdown ensues.

Feel ashamed of meltdown (and then the cycle repeats again . . .)

Stuff my emotions.
Emotions get bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger.
Stuff bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger emotions.
Become anxious, sad, and emotions get bigger, and bigger, . . . and bigger.

Repeat pattern, until . . . (maybe) . . . I (let myself) cry.

Which happened this morning. On my way to work. Let's just say it was a gusher. And do you know what I noticed?

I noticed that when there are tears in my eyes, I actually see MORE CLEARLY. And when I stuff and deny my emotions, let's just say that it's, well, much messier. I think crying may actually be good for me.

This realization reminds me of an amazing message from Michael Eisen. Check out his-story (get it? hisTORY?)! I have highlighted the stuff that totally resonates with me in his message.

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Don’t Suppress – EXPRESS!

by MICHAEL EISEN on AUGUST 4, 2012

Growing up I was taught that part of being a man was having control over my emotions. I didn’t want to be seen as someone who was “emotional,” rather as someone who was rational and logical. If I did show my emotions too much it would be considered weak and irresponsible. I would be judged by others and not given a fair chance at certain opportunities in life. I was taught to suppress instead of express.

Unfortunately, this belief system is very much present in most men in our society. I believe that women generally are more attuned to their emotions because they don’t face as much negative stigma when it comes to expressing themselves. However, as there has been more push for gender equality in our society over the past few decades, I believe that women have even begun to take on this same belief as their own, out of fear that being viewed as someone who is “emotional” may limit their opportunities to succeed.

The unfortunate reality is that we live in a society that does not value creative feelers nearly as much as the logical thinkers, and thus we are in some way forced to decide whether we want to face the judgment and ridicule that comes with expressing ourselves and feeling our emotions.

I believe that our society has it all WRONG!

It is our misconception and misunderstanding of what emotions truly are that creates the majority of the distress and dis-ease that we experience. So what are emotions anyway?

Emotions in their natural state are energy in motion. In essence they are the free flow of energy that is triggered by our response to what’s going on around us. I believe that everything in this world is made up of energy, even humans. So when our vibrating frequency comes in contact with the forces around us, there’s a reaction. I’m sure you have experienced this, even if you weren’t aware of what was happening. Have you ever noticed that when a really happy individual walks into a room, the whole space seems to light up? But when an angry or stressed-out person enters the same room, it’s as if the light has been extinguished? That’s energy!

If emotions are energy in motion, then every time we try to control this force by holding them back, we stop their natural flow and end up throwing ourselves out of balance. Every emotion has a path of movement, and in its natural form it will flow in and through our bodies with relative ease and often rather quickly. A great example of this is to observe a child. Because they have not yet been conditioned to judge or stop what they’re feeling, babies and young children will go from hysterical tears to giddy glee in a matter of seconds. With no resistance, the energy flows and the emotions are expressed and let go.

What impedes the flow is when our minds become active during this process. Because many of us are taught that expressing ourselves is bad, weak or irresponsible, we begin to judge, analyze and even try to understand what we are feeling instead of just feeling it. If we don’t have our emotions under control, we’re viewed as social outcasts. If we cry in public, it’s considered embarrassing. Even someone laughing really loudly oftentimes attracts a lot of unwanted attention.

At a young age I was taught that if I don’t keep control over my emotions that they would explode and cause pain to myself and others. The ironic thing is that over the past few years I have discovered that the process of controlling and suppressing my emotions is what ultimately caused all of the pain! It was the suppression of my emotions that led to the explosion. Because emotions are energy in motion, when we try to control or suppress them, they only get stronger. It is like we are taking our emotions and locking them away in a trunk. Every time we feel another emotion that we don’t want to feel, we put it in the trunk. Inside this trunk are all of our unwanted emotions bouncing off the walls and each other. The longer they are resisted, the stronger they persist. Eventually the trunk bursts open and out comes our suppressed emotions, often in a violent and explosive way.

If however, we decided to throw away the trunk and express our emotions, without judgment or analysis, when they first surfaced, they would flow through us a lot easier and faster – like they do in a child. We would avoid the violent explosions and the physical maladies that the suppressed emotions created in our bodies. Life certainly would become a lot easier!

I was lucky enough to realize at a young age that expressing my emotions instead of suppressing them was the key to living a happy and healthy life. I now believe that being an emotionally aware and intelligent person is no longer a weakness, but one of my greatest strengths and assets.

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So, there it is! . . pretty cool stuff, huh? I am going to practice feeling my feelings with safe people going forward.
Hope you have an amazing and blessed day!

Super hUgS!
;0) dana

wHo'S on Ur tEaM? . . . (cont'd)

Are yoU a-Lone(r) or R U on a TeAm?

I had an opportunity of watching a hockey game today. I don't speak hockey, but I'm learning . . . 

It made me think more about the idea of being on a team . . . whatever that means. It could be a family team, a sports team, a work team, a parenting team, or a team of _______ (fill in the blank 4 u!). 

Sometimes, we think it's easier to do stuff by ourselves . . . like, as in, we have a lot more CONTROL, right? I know for me, when I do stuff by myself, I do feel more in control, but I ALSO feel more alone.

Sometimes, it's not easy asking for help. But you know what I've found? People TOTALLY want to help me when I need it---just like I love helping others!

And then, I don't feel so alone.

I think we're all supposed to keep looking and searching (or praying and being patient . . .) until we find our team . . . our TRIBE . . .our PeePs.

I can't imagine watching hockey or soccer and expecting that a single player is supposed to win the game. As my bff says, you can have individual skills, but it's the strategy of being a team player that wins the game. 

It's about WORKING TOGETHER---AND, maybe it's really not about winning after all. It's about doing your best, and working with the players (get the metaphor?) who are in front of you.

AND, that means you have to GIVE UP CONTROL (of the puck, the ball, or whatever . . .) and passing it to someone else, trust that your teammate will support you. You may not win but WHATEVER, yo!

So, who are the sweet, sweet members of your team? Be grateful for them, and the lessons they teach! A personal thanks to all the members of my team! We are a winning combination! I am blessed for your presence in my life!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! WE ARE ONE!

Hearty-heartS!

Dana

G(r)i(e)vE iT uP . . .

Sometimes, I am challenged in life with being a mom when my kids (or anyone else I care about, for that matter) aren't happy or when they are struggling. I totally want to GET IN THERE and fix IT, taKe care Of tHe PaIn, pRoViDe cOmFort, and make eVerYthiNg better WiTh a Hello Kitty Band-Aid, for ExaMple, or a WaRm bLanKie, or hOt sOup, or aDviCe.

yEstErday, my MagicAl daughtEr was VEry, vErY, saD bEfOre dinner. And she wasn't completely sure why. After talking for a little while, we realized that she wanted something to be really, really different than what it is. We quietly held hands in her room and I brushed away her tears; we talked about what it meant to be sad, and shared stories about when both of us have grieved about something that really wasn't the way WE wanted it to be.

This morning I was processing my daughter's distress. I decided to go back upstairs to bed and read cuz' my kiddos were still sleeping and it's a quiet luxury I don't have very often. I opened up one of my books--The Seven Laws of Spiritual Success (1994) by Deepak Chopra-- and came upon the chapter about The Law of Least Effort:

Nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease

 . . . with carefreeness, harmony, and love.

And when we harness the forces of 

harmony, joy, and love,

we create success and fortune with effortless ease (51).

Basically, what it said is that when we can accept what is, we can truly appreciate the moment, the present, and the people in our lives for the very people who they are. AHA and EurEka:

gRiEf

is

a
hEaLinG sTeP

in

tHe

pRoCess

of

AccEPtANcE
&
cHaNgE.

For a big part of my life, when I have been really, really sad, I haven't been willing to feel grief--I push it down, suck it up, or ignore it--deny it as if I could manage to control the situation or relationship that wasn't what I wanted it to be.

By going numb instead of grieving,
your ego pretends that the loss isn't agonizing,

that the threat is not so grave as it actually is.
You have to go through grief
before you can release it back to the light.

Have patience with your grief.

In this period of necessary suffering
comes a great sense of purification.

The sting of death is no longer quite as anguishing.

The possibility of letting in the light once again becomes real.

~Deepak Chopra

My unwillingness to feel grief is a denial of what simply is, and by judging it and pushing it down, the cycle only grows stronger. As in, "If I don't allow myself to feel grief, I might still have a chance to CHANGE the thing that isn't WHAT I WANT."  My daughter allowing herself to embrace her sadness is actually a first step toward her accepting the reality that something isn't what she wanted it to be.

My kids are my greatest teachers. We have to learn to move through feelings--if we try to go around our feelings  (run 6 more miles, go shopping, play on the Internet, have another beverage, etc. . .) our feelings just come back up as another opportunity to learn to move through them again.