So, I've been thinking about the whole perfect thing today. . . A LOT! (believe me, it's true . . .) and it got me to thinking, "Where did I get the idea that I need to be perfect?" or, not ever screw up (as in, HU(wo)MAN)?
And I got a flasHbAck as I was driving in my car: I think I was probably in about 3rd or 4th grade, and I was staying with my Uncle Tuck and my Aunt Joyce for a week in the summer. My uncle is a dentist, and therefore, never had any "bad" (sugar) snacks in their house. [BTW: his kids sneaked money from their parents and walked to the candy store downtown regularly to devour more sugar treats than most kids can dream of. . . don't tell my uncle if you see him . . .]
So, I was going to my twin cousins' swimming practice, and hanging out in the stands bored out of my mind, and then it hit me: VENDING MACHINE TREAT! (you know the feeling . . .) I went to the machine and bought some Mike & Ike's. . . and then . . . BAM . . . my uncle jumped out from behind the machine and said,
"Caught you! . . . I knew you would be buying sugar from the machine! . . ."
I was so scared, and embarrassed, and worried. . . I didn't understand why my uncle would want to catch me doing something he thought was terrible?
I think I carried the same feeling into my grown up life--that I was somehow BAD, and awful, and that somebody is always going to catch me and find out the TRUTH about me. I still wait for someone to scare me with knowing the truth that I am naughty, broken and bad (which is a LIE).
BTW: I know it's really not true, but as kids we really don't know better, do we. Broken grown up behavior does a lot of damage to us kids.
The grown up me knows my uncle's behavior was not nice (and cruel), but as a kid, it was real..., and scary..., and shaming. And it made me feel like a bad kid, and a broken toy (and person). NOT OKAY.
I suppose I need to forgive my uncle (and I have, or I wouldn't be writing this....). He didn't mean it; after all, I know it was about him and his fantasy about being a master of oral hygiene, and that his family was better than mine (or maybe I'm making that story up, too?)
Oh well, I love my uncle, and I love, me!
I think I'll go and brush my teeth (or tooth, if you're from the outback!@)
That's all, yo!
Love you soSoSOoOSSo!