a daily dose of inspiration for kiDs and gRownUpS, too!
Sunday, January 24, 2016
aBoUt tHiS huMan sTuFF . . . i'M sOrrY . .
Relationships are such a delicate dance. One minute we are close and enjoying the warm intimacy of a friend, lover, or family member, and then, to our dismay, one or both parties can hurt each other, saying or doing things that break the trusted bond between them. Trying to bridge back after the hurt and reach a new level of understanding of one another can be one of the biggest challenges in life---but also the most rewarding. After members in a relationship have hurt one another or there has been a break in communication or crossing of a boundary from one person to another (what I call a disrepair), the relationship can become a place for growth and deepening when the parties are willing to come back together, share their feelings with each other, and renegotiate the rules of their connection. In some cases, the two people in a relationship need space--and it may take some time to get to a place where the relationship can benefit from honest and open disclosure of feelings and events that led up to the disrepair. Sometimes, people simply need to take time apart, lick their wounds, and move on to process with someone else other than the person with whom they experienced the disrupt (meaning friend, lover, family member, coworker). This other person could be a trusted friend, counselor, teacher, or family member. I have been thinking a lot lately about saying I'm sorry, on the one hand, and then also the act of forgiveness, on the other hand. I believe it takes great courage to apologize authentically. Like, I mean, from a place of true remorse and willingness to see the parts in myself that I need to look at and possibly change. It's not a place of I'm sorry, but you . . . It's a genuine place of "I hurt you. I'm so sorry. It was about me, not you. It will not happen again." So, here is an amazing blog about saying "I'm Sorry, OK?" by Terry Cole. She provides us with a model that is clean and true. Check it out:
“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer
This week I want to talk about the anatomy of an authentic apology. Do you know how to say you’re sorry and mean it? Let’s look at a couple of common ways people think they are apologizing but are actually not:
1. Do you say things like:
“I am sorry, but _____________” (fill in the excuse for your bad behavior here)
e.g. “I’m sorry, but I was tired”
“I am sorry, but YOU _____________” (fill in justification for retaliatory bad behavior here)
e.g. “I’m sorry, but you were annoying me.”
“I’m sorry, OK?” (Add frustrated not at all sorry sounding tone here)
“I’m sorry you think that I did something that I need to be sorry for.”
2. Do you act out your feeling of remorse rather than putting words on it?
A friend of mine told me that in 13 years of marriage her husband has never said, “I’m sorry,” but she knows he is because he acts nicer than usual.
An authentic apology does not include any qualifier after the words “I’m sorry.”
An authentic apology looks something like this:
“I’m really sorry, I was wrong.” (Stop talking)
“I am sorry. I should not have _____________. It will not happen again.” (Stop talking)
The key to an authentic apology includes saying you are sorry and allowing the other person to tell you what they experienced or why they are upset.
I want you to think about how you apologize and what you need to do to actually BE sorry and communicate it in an authentic and effective way
I hope you have an amazing week, and, as always, take care of you.
Love Love Love
Terri Cole, founder and CEO of Live Fearless and Free, is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. For almost two decades, Terri has empowered companies, celebrities, professional athletes and individuals to Live Fearless and Free. Recently, Terri released her first CD “Meditation Transformation”.
What have been your challenge in apologizing? Let me know in the comments!