I've always had a tricky relationship with Memorial Day . . . and, sometimes, well, LIFE. Jeesh . . . (don't tell anyone . . .)
Meaning: I live in constant negotiation among the past, present, and future.
It's my sister, Shelley's, birthday next weekend, and my mom and my sister are going to both my dad's and my brother's graves today.
It's just so messy--the grave thing followed by the birthday celebration thing. It's super jumbly to me--kind of like life, I suppose. I may just join them for the lunch part . . . not the grave visit part.
Confession: I've only been to my dad's grave once, and he died over 25 years ago. The time I went, I crumpled to the ground and scratched the dirt and wailed out loud. It was one of those things that was both euphoric and debilitating. After awhile, I strangely ended up "watching" myself in the dramatic movie version of visiting my dad's grave, and felt oddly detached--and I had to be careful that I didn't add it to my story of "what has happened to me," if you know what I mean. He had already died, and I was having a fit at his gravesite-- and I need to be done with adding to my story, my war wounds.
It just gets boring.
I can picture myself telling it over and over and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Give it a rest, already.
Flash forward additional confession: I have only been to my brother's grave once-- on the day of his funeral; the day he was buried. I haven't seen his gravestone.
I figure I'll know when the right time is to go there, if ever.
One thing I do know for sure is, that he's not there. He's actually on a beach, or by a campfire, hanging out with our dad.
They're both smoking and chillin' in their Speedos.
Having cocktails. Lucky bastards.
What I know: My life is here on this planet, on this plane. In the present. And I am so grateful to be where I am NOW.
I try to stay present and in relationship with those who are smack in front of me. And I do honor my past, and attempt to stay open to whatever possibilities the Universe may hand me in the future.
But for now, I am going to nap with my dog, Teddy, and my amazing partner, Keith (aka K-dog).
This is happening FOR me (not TO me), NOW!